I am in a severe, deep, dark depression.   Why?  Maybe a combination of things.  I am writing this I guess for myself, to try to make sense of things.

I am stressed because I am going to the VA MST therapist tomorrow for my CPT session.  Cognitive Processing Therapy, a PTSD thing.   I have avoided him for almost two weeks.  I had become extremely unwell with the detailed report writing about the assault.  I am unable to complete my current assignments for the CPT session because it involves challenging the “stuck points” of PTSD.  But when I write down the stuck points, they are true, and there is no challenge.  The three I began are:  “I am damaged forever because of the rape”, “If I let myself think about what happened, I will never get it out of my mind”, and “I should have known he would hurt me.”   All these “stuck points” are true.  So, I can stick with my belief they are true, or I can tell the therapist what he wants to hear and try to put on a happy face that the CPT is working.   I have more stuck points, that make me think and feel and act unwell.

I am stressed because summer will soon be here and miserable 110 degree weather and I do not have the money to fix the central A/c.  So, soon I will be pacing the floor when the window A/c is just not enough to cool a 3 bedroom home.  My son does not complain, but I see him suffering with the heat too, the fan blasting in his room but the sun blazing in, and he just asks for a cool drink or for me to make him a slushie in the blender with ice and red koolaid.

I am lonely to the core of my soul, an emptiness that has haunted me for years, since my husband stopped loving me.

I feel like rubbish.  Physically.  Woke up with my hip hurting, it’s been worse and worse especially the past 6 months to a year or so.   The VA liked to tell me it was groin sprain or other bullshit.  The civilian doctors and physical therapists tell me I have trauma arthritis in the joint after the fracture, dysplasia  in the femoral head, and very poor range of motion.  When I try to exercise, it is painful, stiff, and pops.  Trying to do situps and there is a deep *pop* and discomfort with every bending motion.  Try to do anything more than a slow walk and I pay the piper later.   It is only 1000 hrs and I am already tired, been up 3 hours or so, fed the dogs, made french toast, and already ready to call it a day.   I have little pain twinges in my head that I hope do not evolve into a full blown migraine.  My upper shoulders and back hurt.  I have no energy, I’m tired.  I have a whopping 10 percent disability rating from the VA for my hip injury which occurred during training.  A generous $130 per month is deposited to my checking account.  A 10 percent rating is not enough to take advantage of some of the VA programs, or get that veteran preference for hiring.

I feel like rubbish.  Mentally.  I do not know why I cant get out of this deep depression that has been nagging at me for weeks now.  There will be a few hours here and there where I get distracted and feel a little better.  I always  feel a little better in the afternoon after my hot bath.  Certain things bring me a little happiness such as petting my little shih tzu, or making dinner for my son.  Other than that, my life and my surroundings are pure shit.  I wish I had a good job where I made decent money and could fix up the house.  I wish I felt well enough to work full time.   I wish I didnt look like the “after methamphetamines poster” women.   I wish I had some sort of hope, something, anything to look forward to besides this miserable, broke, painful existence.

Really I could just go be a bag lady and beg for money on the street corner, but this is a small town and I do not want to embarrass the kids.   I have no pride in myself anymore.   It would be great to get a few bucks.  I havent been to the point where I have to go dumpster diving in awhile, but not far from that.   Tuesday I go to the church and get a bag of free food, which I am grateful for but it is not always the best.  Sometimes moldy bread or unusable, cans expired two years ago etc.  My ad on craigslist that I will clean houses has not gotten any responses except one pervert jerk who wants me to wear lingerie, I told him get lost and go look on backpage.

I have a stack of certificates that I’ve earned over the years, in spite of my issues.  I can type 60 wpm, I know how to use a computer, I know how to use a register, I’m healthcare trained, although I dropped out of the LVN class.  But no one calls when I apply for jobs, or, when I go for interviews I botch it pretty epically when I get nervous.  The VA likes to print up shiny happy brochures about all their benefits and they have a snazzy website with a long list of benefits.  I applied for their vocational rehab 3 or 4 times and got shot down each time.  I call up their VA help centers and tell them my issues, and I tell them basically “look, if the VA does not want to say I am disabled, then I need help with a job”.  They dont like when I say that, and they dont help me with disability benefits or training or job.  Even if they helped me, I am so broke-down that I dont think I could work a 40 hour work week anymore.  A few weeks ago, a lady at a veteran help center nearby told me that my PTSD and assault was not army-related, even though 1. I was on duty and in uniform on base and 2. Mr All American Hero who beat me up, strangled and raped me was on duty and in uniform. Now I see why so many veterans are homeless, jobless, and suicidal.