A couple weeks went by after the rape, my period is late. It hadn’t occurred to me at first that there was a possibility to conceive a baby from my rapist. I was just so concerned with healing and hiding away after the assault. Till time went by, and I was trying to remember the date of my last period. My menstrual cycle was like a clock back then, 28 day cycles. I usually would mark a little “p” on my calendar. I was at least two weeks late.
I cherished my two baby boys. It was so wonderful and incredible to watch them grow and learn. I thought of the possibility of a baby that was born not out of love, but out of a criminal act. A baby who looked like his father, a man who stole part of my soul away from me. I was all kinds of crazy when I thought I might be pregnant with the E7’s child. Not thinking right, not acting right, not feeling right. ‘
I went for a pregnancy test.
I distinctly remember getting the news that it was negative… yet…
Some of those dreams, those night terrors, why are there dead fetuses strung up for me to see? Why does the demon with those supersized pupils show me this? Why does March 6, 1999 stand out? Why do I ask my husband if I had blocked out some memory, it itches at me, or, is it just a reaction to the possibility of it all? Could I have had an abortion and it was so horrific that my mind shut the memory of it out? Could I have given birth and given up the baby? I just do not know.